Sunday, April 29, 2007

Evolution

This post concludes the My Journey 'introductory' series of posts that started out with Genesis, continued with Embarkation and was left hanging for a long time with Voyage. While being long overdue, for a variety of reasons not least due to the lack of urge to write on the subject matter and various distractions, it's always better late than never. I'll just carry on straight where I left off in Voyage so if you're lost I suggest you re-read the links above.

Sean had broken up with his Ex just recently before meeting me and was understandably jaded on the love/romance end. Persistent sod that I was, after having met him the first time round, I was really determined to make him mine so I cajoled/reasoned/persuaded with a vengeance. Even though I was mentally prepared to have him as just a good friend first (cuz scrupulous guy that he was, Sean never had sex with anyone whom he wasn't intimately related with), it was a last option resort.

I guess Lust (as usual) played a big factor in the beginning, that physical attraction and burning desire to see just how he was in bed drove me crazy. What followed was a 10 day whirlwind romance period that involved late night conversations with me trying to persuade him to 'give it a go', clubbing at Whynot with two different groups of friends while we eventually sneaked off to share a drink and after shameless flirting via SmS; and culminated in him picking me up at Chevrons after some stupid Army signal battalion dinner.

On the journey back to his place, the tension in the car was palpable. It wasn't the oppressive kind that leaves one feeling uncomfortable but rather the sense of expectancy. And we were both not naive/stupid enough to believe that sleeping over didn't entail some other nocturnal activity that had nothing to do with rest. I'd never felt so jittery before which was really ironic considering the relative wantonness I'd displayed previously in sex in places that ranged from shopping mall toilets to staircase landings. Mistaking his elder sister for his mom when we reached didn't exactly help either.

So sitting at the edge of his bed, by which time I would have normally got down to business, I remained immobile and hesitant even though the one thing I wanted was finally within reach. It felt like the first time all over again. Then leaning over casually, he reached across the bed and grabbed me. Of course, that cheeky sod strung me along for a couple more days before he officially confirmed our status and it was at my place while we were busy celebrating that the Mother with Granny in tow decided to return home early. Naturally she took things a lot better than the Lube in a tube incident.

Five and a half years have passed since then and a lot has happened since. We broke up twice, both times at my behest, the first when he was leaving for his studies in Australia and haunted by those memories of the last parting with T., I wholly irrationally cut off all contact with him 2 weeks prior to the date he was leaving which made him discontinue his phone line a week earlier than planned. Still no excuse. The second time was sometime in the summer of '04, 6 months before he was due to return. Till this date I cannot ascertain the exact reason I gave. Sure lofty arguments and cold cutting statements made to justify that were ultimately inconsequential. But we failed to communicate our fears and desires and the resultant angry exchange of acerbic words left both of us drained and his parting words "I know that's not what you really mean, I'll wait for you." really got to me much as I tried to shrug it off then.

Both times I chased him back though that was really more the case after the second breakup when I realised how stupid I'd been and how much I really still loved him. It's sad but in terms of relationships and the emotional subject of love it's taken me a long time to realise what I really want and to appreciate what I really have. Which undoubtedly caused a lot of pain to the people around me and Sean but I'm grateful that he never gave up.

We changed too, our outlooks and perceptions. Less anal and prejudiced in certain areas, more willing to come out of our comfort zones and that recognition that our lifes no longer centered around ourselves, decisions/choices made which would affect the other party. I can honestly say that communication and the effort made to communicate, be it our fears, issues, viewpoints or problems, kept the relationship growing and brought it to where it is today. For indifference and apathy are silent killers that corrupt the very foundation of a relationship. If one cannot communicate, how can a relationship last?

We communicated on issues ranging from the banal like physical aka sexual needs (Top or Bottom?) to extremely serious ones like my previous infidelity (Truth) that posed a real threat to the relationship. Sure, while communication is essential it remains insufficient, some things like the genuine love and attraction for the other person cannot be constructed or 'worked upon'. You either have it or you don't. And it was the latter that pulled us through the more serious obstacles.

He's changed. Once when even touching him in the now defunct Centro on the gay Sunday night would have pissed him off (he had this mentality of private vs public segregation that was mind boggling in its severity), he now puts his arm around my shoulder of his own accord in public while strolling down Orchard Road. And we inevitably guy/couple watch when we go out, it's pretty easy to tell who's gay these days, 10+ years( about 8 for him) of honing the gaydar makes it almost second nature. So whilst commenting on other couples one day I asked casually," So it should be pretty obvious when people see us on the street that we're a couple huh?" To which he nonchalantly replied," Of course. That's so obvious." And it no longer bothers him.

I've changed. Not such a atrocious boyfriend anymore (hopefully), I've realised that running solves nothing. Communication is key and learning (still) that my life is no longer mine to live for decisions I take, the choices I make affect him too. And the recognition that sometimes cold brutal logic isn't always the way to go. Words fail me here. I guess change is always more accurately perceived from an external perspective so the Boyfriend and the people around me would better suited to comment on this. Suffice to say that the person I am now is not quite the one I was 5, 6 years ago. I only hope that this change has largely been for the better.

A former acquaintance as cynical as ever, what has embittered him so I know not and it matters not, once disputed my personal observation that life and love is a journey. For as he viewed it to be, realistically, philosophically and semantically, there is no journey, we have only today, gone tomorrow. We are lost on a darkling plain with the stars as lamplights and each other as company. But I beg to differ from this morose, desolate view of life and mutual misery.

We are only lost if we perceive ourselves to be. Today is here today, gone forever tomorrow. That is an eternal truism. This journey is a one way train ticket, it is up to us to make the best of the ride and treasure the things important to us instead of bemoaning about inconsequential affairs and revelling in negativity. Love too is a process that requires careful nurturing and cultivation. And when that constantly cultivated evolution blossoms, the journey is that much better.

This Journey along with you.

3 comments:

BazBoi said...

I will always keep you company along this journey that is to me just the beginning....mucks

Anonymous said...

Wow ur life story is better than yaoi land fantasy! All the best

Aelgtoer said...

To Bazboi>> Thank you dear, that means the world to me.

To Anon >> Heh well it's not that magical but I'm grateful. Thanks and all the best to you too!