Random Ramblings

Because I'm too lazy to come up with a more descriptive name unlike last time, and it is a convenient way of blogging about small, wholly unrelated events. If it seems too disjointed, too bad, coherency seems to be something I'm lacking in today. The headings should help though.

Insolent Casanovas and why they should be shot.

Sean told me yesterday that G. one of his closer friends called up crying in the morning while he was at work and asked for advice. I don't really know G. very well having only met her twice but other than being a little over the top and slightly divaish, she appears to be nice. Which Sean says she is, mostly that is. Apparently, she'd still been seeing the guy at work and continuing their relationship both in office and out of it in spite of the fact that she has a loving(or so I'm told) boyfriend studying in Australia and had been advised by mutual friends to stop seeing that guy. But like Sean said, pussy itchy la, which aptly sums it up.

She'd been sleeping with him for close to a year now, and having unprotected sex, something she'd denied doing till G called Sean up that morning crying and blurted out everything. Which I guess was not really surprising, I had been marvelling at how they had in her own words, just gone as far as heavy petting with some foreplay but no penetration and just stopped there. It didn't really sound correct but naturally you give people the benefit of the doubt when they talk about their personal activities in bed.

So anyway, this chap was diagnosed with TB and informed by the doctors that it was extremely rare for a young-ish guy (30s) to have Tuberculosis and HIV was listed as a potential cause. Which naturally sent G. into a tizzy and panic attack mode. Most people would certainly be considerably upset. What made matters a lot worse was that casanova (and he certainly doesn't look like one.. bleah) told her point blank to her face that even when he got the results of the HIV testing back he wouldn't tell her the results. Which I think is quite ridiculous.

You possibly get someone infected with HIV yet instead of doing what you can to come clean with the people you've had sex with to allow them to decide on their next course of action, you act like a total bastard. True the person might have been a consensual sexual partner but that doesn't mean they consented to sleeping with a potential HIV partner and even if they are partially to be blame, it doesn't give one the excuse to be a total bastard and not let people whom you may very possibly have infected know about your condition or lack thereof when you get the results back.

So G went for the full battery of tests and after a nerve wracking 24 hours was informed that the test results were negative. She does need to abstain and go again in 3 months time to get a clean bill of health because they only just stopped having sex recently. Naturally, she is not blameless but I will not comment on the infidelity aspect, being in no position to do so having myself been guilty of it before while attached to Sean and he was studying( in australia too). Suffice to say, the temptation is strong, the flesh is weak and one stumbles if one doesn't know very clearly what one wants in the relationship.

She'll have to come up with something when the boyfriend returns the following week, to explain just why they can't get it on like bunnies, at least not for the next 3 months. My take is it's pretty hard to come up with a convincing and plausible excuse(lie) for that so confessing would be the best but it's certainly not easy and it's a decision G. will have to make for herself. At the end of the day though, aside from the infidelity bit, it is wise to choose one's sex partners with care or at least those you have unprotected sex with.

HIV unfortunately remains a very real threat and sometimes I am thankful I escaped unscathed from my own escapades. Unprotected sex with casanovas is literally like Russian Roulette and insolent bastards like the one G slept with should be shot and castrated for good measure.

Anime & Manga Blitz

The past few months saw the avid consumption of a number of great anime series, most of which have sadly come to an end. Series like Claymore, Death Note, Code Geass Season 1 and now Darker than Black (sob sob no more Hei). It's always a mixed bitter-sweet feeling I have at the end of a good series, the glad that it has concluded nicely yet wistful, wishing it would go on kind of mixed emotion. Often, I even rue the fact I'll never see the characters (the animated ones at least) again but I guess closure is good sometimes. Better to end splendidly then to drag on and on.

Thankfully, there's still Bleach and Naruto Shippuuden to look forward too, and the anime is now following the manga and the plot is captivating even if they seem to be slowing down on releases lately. In other news, I'm really glad D Gray Man isn't ending at 52 as originally planned, that would have totally sucked, since at episode 51, the show is nowhere ever near the end or some sort of decent closure. Anime news network shows more upcoming episodes till at least 64 which is scheduled to air on christmas day in Japan so hopefully we'll be in for a lot more action.

Been doing a lot more Yaoi reading lately especially since the allure of CoV is starting to wane, to catch up on the unread hardcopy mangas and the softcopy scanlations. More gems amidst the sometimes fluffy stuff of lightweight plots and glorious smut that is typically yaoi. In particular, a few mangakas like Fujiyama Hyouta, Keiko Konno, Yamada Yugi, Shiuko Kano and Miyamoto Kano depict the relationship and real life issues very accurately in ways that are both moving and heartwarming. And just like the good anime series, I get that same bitter-sweet, happy yet wistful feeling upon finishing a good book/series.

Finishing volume 3 of Miyamoto Kano's moving and thought provoking Rules which depicted the obstacles and intricacies in the relationships between two couples and various old flames/friends was no different. Little sigh.

My abysmal luck with Taxi Drivers and Sister's Bakes

Ok I get crappy taxi drivers on a basis that is annoying in its frequency. Remember the taxi driver from hell? This one must be his compatriot. Grabbing the passing cab after catching Resident Evil: Extinction at AMK Hub with Sean today (which was typically almost identical to your average Zombie-Undead-Only remaining human Survivors left on a barren earth plot. The only redeeming grace was watching a trench coat clad Mila Jovorich hack off heads like a demoness on crack.) proved to be a mistake.

Slow old man who didn't know half the roads (come on ok, he didn't even know when to turn into the CTE, it's a fucking EXPRESSWAY), drove at 40 km/h, kept going "Oh Jesus!" every two mins or so and was bloody rude (Cause he was so blur, I had to tell him turn left at road XX instead of just turn left, closer to my place I told him turn left at XX which was like the only way to turn anyway but I gave the wrong name YY whereupon that stupid sod said, 'what you don't even know the name of the roads of where you live?' Well hello I normally just say turn left or right here and every other taxi driver knows, besides you don't say that to a PAYING CUSTOMER. So I was tempted to snap at him but I resisted cause he may just have Jesused me or something.)

Sean even whispered,"Eh can I change cab?" That's how bad it was. So anyway apparently, when he dropped Sean off at his place after mine he declared that the meter was spoilt and charged Sean an extra self-determined $3.00 surcharge since 'tomorrow is Hari Raya Puasa, Public Holiday'. Talk about stinky service with a snarl.

There are things to look forward to, like the Sister's sinfully good Cream-cheese chocolate muffins topped with chocolate chips, which while fattening, is undeniably dee-lee-cious.

I polished two straight out of the oven and had one after the infuriating cab ride to cheer myself up. Nothing like a good dessert to perk one up. But which also means it's time for my jog to burn off a fraction of the calories and with that I bid you adieu.

Being Gay: Myths & Facts.

I've always found it strange why I need to explain or write to justify my sexuality in particular and the strange, alien concept that homosexuality appears to be to a sizeable number of heterosexuals in general. After all, no one goes up to another person and asks so why are you straight anymore than one would ask why the sun rises in the east. But when a person's choice or perceived lifestyle is different from the norm, it is perhaps then that questions arise. Still sometimes the questions raised either display astounding naivety or stupidity or sometimes they just can't be answered. Take Sir Ian McKellan's (best known as Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings triology) response when a reporter asked him when he first knew he was gay, "About the same time you knew you were straight."

So I am still unable to fathom the purported interest the fact that I am gay has aroused in law school both amongst juniors I never knew and amongst the same classmates. Perhaps a little background information is necessary for the non-law school readers. I studied law in NUS, enjoyed the life of a free-wheeling tertiary student where time was flexible and bountiful, graduated from law in 2007, started one month of pupillage at a respectable firm and now currently studying the compulsory post-grad PLC course. And I'm gay, but so what.

Nothing remarkable, nothing sensational. So what attracts such interest as to my identity or the need to confirm my sexuality? The fact that I'm gay? Like I said earlier, I'm not the only one in my year who is. The fact that I studied law and am studying to qualify as a lawyer? Can't be. The fact that you never suspected I'd be gay? Too bad. Or the fact that I happen to talk about sex when I feel like it? Couldn't care less. I suspect it's a little of everything where being different (in the law fraternity at least) is a news worthy item in itself and every little bit of 'difference' are viewed as juicy titbits and eagerly seized upon. Come on la, if you can gossip about a person's hairdo you can gossip about anything.

And like all juicy bits of gossips go, people normally want to ascertain the veracity of the fact for themselves. In an indirect manner of course. So now apparently some friends have been repeatedly hounded as to my sexuality and which way I swing. Which is unpleasant to put it very mildly. I know the feeling myself, being badgered as to whether X had done this or if it was true whether Y really slept around with Z, and not knowing what to say. I thought I'd settled this in the Smut Cut entry. Apparently not.

So I'll just state it once again for the record. Those visitors from law school should either strongly suspect if not already know my identity. I'm gay, it's fucking obvious from my blog unless you're totally blind. If for some obscure reason, you are still gripped by this burning desire to confirm my sexuality, ASK ME, NOT my friends. Not Aileen, not CS, not anyone else. If you have the guts to do so, come to me personally and ask. And if you aren't a bastard, I'll let you know.

On to the meat of the matter. It still never fails to surprise me whenever I learn of the absurdly wrong ideas and stereotypical mindsets that a majority of heterosexuals possess about homosexuals or gays in particular (you can be sure our lesbian friends are equally misunderstood, though I'm obviously less qualified to correct certain misconceptions about them). I read with some interest some time ago, a post on Jiahao's blog where he linked to me and wrote about his perspective on homosexuality. Sad to say, I have no recollection who he is even though according to him we did Reinsurance together. Though given the fact that I spent way more time out of school than in it probably didn't help either. If we did Regulating the Corporation together too, I might have an inkling, not that it really matters though.

His post was interesting in that while he certainly tried to adopt a fair and objective approach on the subject and gave his personal outlook, there were alas some misconceptions (no ill-intent whatsoever) which deserve to be mentioned and corrected here. The first very commonly held misconception is that gays are generally across the board effeminate in nature. That is about as true as saying that every male heterosexual is macho with decidedly manly hobbies and oozing sex appeal. Which is obviously crap.

While we certainly have our Queens, Sisters and Macho Marys who are more effeminate and like being that way which is perfectly fine, not all gays are effeminate. A sizeable majority are in fact what is ironically termed as 'Straight Acting'. Dan Savage, a queer sex columnist who gives advice to straights and gays alike in a weekly newspaper column, explains it best in this excerpt from his book 'Straight Answers from A Queer Sex Columnist' :" ...Once we(gay boys) become aware that we are different, we start observing straight people - gay people walk many miles in straight shoes; how many straights can say the same about gay shoes? Few straights were raised by gay couples, spend years believing they're gay, their adolescence praying to be gay, walking gay and talking gay, observe their moves for signs of 'straightness' that might give them away, and have gay sex, all in an absurd effort to make themselves gay. Well, gay boys do the reverse of all that to play it straight; we observe and mimic straights, try to pass ourselves off as straights, are hyperaware of what it means to be straight because we are so painfully aware that we are not straight, and will never be, and that this not-being-straight has serious consequences for us..."

Which is what 'Straight Acting' really is in a nutshell, so sometimes, somewhere in our journey we have tried very hard to blend in and 'be straight'. The baseline is, no one likes to be strait jacketed or cast into a particular role or character (unless they actually want to) any more than you, a straight guy, would like to be cast as macho, insensitive and totally clueless. So get that misconception out of your head.

Jiahao made a partially correct observation in that I would not tell my family that I am gay and choose to hide it. Believe me when I say that if I could 'come out' to the Family, I would. Sadly, the entire family are devout charismatic (the class, not any particular characteristic) Christians with a totally analistic outlook on homosexuality. They would sooner attempt to exorcise me or commit me to IMH (Institute of Mental Health) than ever willingly accept the fact that I am gay. So for the sake of my sanity, I have no intention of telling them even though it might eventually come to light after Sean and I get a place and we move out. For now, like CS puts it, it's good to be Zen about the whole affair.

Jiahao's other observation though was mistaken. Just because I don't let my family know that I'm gay or go around announcing it to every Tom, Dick or Harry I meet, doesn't mean I can't and don't express the 'real me' in real life, having instead to resort to the cyber world to open up as it were. Apart from the fact that it certainly makes me sound like some sad introverted nutcase, which thankfully I'm not, the fact that I'm gay, while an integral part of my life, has no bearing whatsoever on my character or my ability to express myself. I still express myself the same way both to friends who know I'm gay and to people who don't. My character doesn't change. True I might have less to offer and talk about on the subject of boobs and soccer balls but that's simply because I don't know much about them. Simply put, my sexuality does not affect my character nor my ability to express myself.

Regarding Jiahao's take on Christianity the religion, those are his views and my own are very clear on this matter. No offense meant to any Christians reading this and any taken will be disregarded. I remain totally apathetic to religion. It's hard not to become disillusioned with a religion and totally reject it when it totally rejects you and regards your lifestyle and very person as an abominable sin with nowhere to go but hellfire and eternal damnation. And no don't bother trying to get me back, as far as I'm concerned, religion and christianity in particular is something I can do without.

Third misconception: Gays are the reason why AIDS is so prevalent and gays are making out everywhere. Ok, the first one is really more of a social issue, while it is true the HIV virus and aids was first transmitted from human to human by male homosexuals, blaming gays for the spread of AIDS today is like the bogeyman everyone loves to whack. HIV transmission between heterosexuals far far outstrips homosexual HIV transmission rates and there's been a lot of studies on this. At the end of the day, better education and greater access to affordable medication should be focused upon and not blaming gays for spreading AIDS.

But it is really the second misconception that puzzles me more. Gays are making out everywhere? Hello where? You show me ok. Everyday you get on the train or walk around the mall, you see heterosexual couples snogging and making out like nobody's business. But no one complains. Why? Normal what. Have two homosexuals do it (for some strange reason, we gays envy our lesbian friends, two girls can make out and no one bats an eyelid, even holding hands and strolling down the street is acceptable, you'll never find two Singaporean gay guys strolling down Orchard road on a normal day at a normal time, holding hands. Never.) and it 'threatens the moral fibre of our society'. People write in to the forums and newspapers to complain.

Hey we live in Singapore, we know the kind of society it is and we adapt accordingly even if we aren't thrilled. So you'll be extremely hard pressed to find gays making out in public. Those cases of the sorry sods that get caught in public be it in the public toilets or other innovative locations are not the norm, they let their dicks get the better of them for a variety of reasons. And if they do get caught in public, they deserve it, just like any straight couple making out in public would too.

Fourth misconception: The environment and 'Nurture' idea that gays can become gays as a result of the environment they are placed in and other external factors. I am sad to tell you that really, this has always been the biggest crapload of utter bullshit I've ever heard. We don't turn gay because of some external factor being present or whatnot. We've always been gay, it's just that some of us seem to take a very much longer time to be aware that we are gay. After all, we do live in a decidedly straight culture where we are constantly indoctrinated with the idea that straight= normal and good. We don't become gay as a result of certain factors being introduced to us at an impressionable age, it's just a matter of when we become aware. And such external factors may serve to awaken the slower ones amongst us who haven't already realised they are gay.

Unconvinced? Take a simple example: You dump a straight guy, like yourself, into a boys only school, you only interact with guys, no girls (assuming you're a total dork without irc, etc). What are the chances of you suddenly turning gay, of your heart and mind changing, simply because of your external environment and perceived impressions? Zilch. Let's ramp it up even more. Assume you, a straight guy, only got provided with barbies and polly pocket play sets when young, get dumped into a all boys school where there are surreptitious displays of boys making out, would that make you a straight guy suddenly feel like joining in the making out sessions and deciding you like guys or would you junk those barbies in favour of Transformers and get turned off by the displays, wishing you had a girl/woman instead? Much more likely the second.

So just as you a straight guy would not turn gay because of the environment, I, a gay guy would not have become gay due to the environment I was in or other external factors. Sexuality, unlike what some would love to have us believe, is not something you can turn on and off. Unless you happen to be bisexual which is totally different. So no, the fact that I was in an all boys school really had absolutely nothing to do with me being gay today. I would have looked at guys and probably lusted after a select few in a co-ed (mixed) school all the same, my biggest crush was definitely in NJC. Army was certainly no instigating or encouraging factor too.

It's strange isn't it, one would think being surrounded by guys in army, gays would be in seventh heaven. Well for the overwhelming majority of time (ie: 99.99%), we aren't. Half the time, you're too shag from the exercises when training to give a damn about naked guys in the shower. The other half, the guys you're in contact with are generally bunk or campmates who are totally unattractive and people you see every day (and night as most NSFs are stay ins). But this army and environment thing does seem to be a widely held misconception.

Over MSN, I showed the Beng, my bunkmate buddy who slept in the bed beside mine in camp, Jiahao's post and asked him what he thought about the becoming gay due to the environment and perhaps being in an all boys school and army part. To which he replied in his usual manner, "Ya Fuck, when you first told me you were gay after army, I thought it must be all the nights that I mount you and humped you that made you gay. Ha ha kns must be my big dick right!" So it is a common misconception. A little explanation is necessary in order to correct any misconception arising from the Beng's statement.

The Beng is a true blue beng with the credentials to back it up. That said, while he is a very jiang yi qi kind of guy (loosely translated as one who values honour and will stick with friends) he can be very different and brash in a unique way. He's infinitely proud of his manhood, that curved phallus he would expose in all its extended glory after waking up or after returning from the shower. He'd then proceed to strut around the bunk, cigarette in hand, buck naked without a care in the world. Which naturally shocked some of the xinjiao ('new birds' - term for junior soldiers) in our bunk who would stare, mouths agape before hurriedly looking away. William would groan and ask him to put something on for god's sake, while the card players (Tim, Envin and I) would usually sigh and curse at him to hurry up and play his hand, instead of shaking his snake.

So anyway regarding the night 'humping' sessions, the Beng would sometimes for the kick of it, while I was already sound asleep, nicely snuggled under that discoloured SAF shit green blanket, mini fan on the cabinet set at high; mount me while clad in nothing but his underwear and hump me while clutching me tightly and making panting noises. Upon which I'd cuss and try to shove him off, usually after some violent struggling cause he's a strong one. And no in case, you were wondering, he's as straight as an arrow. I had great difficulty turning down his offers to bring me to those KTV nightclubs for a night of girls and booze with extra service, plus his girlfriend (then) was a cute waif type Ah-lian, though everytime I saw her, I just couldn't get the mental picture of the Beng screwing her on her window sill, her upper body hanging out, thanks to the very vivid recounting of his sexcapade with her to us, his poor listeners.

Only straight guys (and I am totally serious) would be able to mount such hanky panky and not bat an eyelid about it. Gay guys would never for the life of them, do something like that, simply because while to straight guys, it's just horseplay, to us it's a whole shit load more. That's akin to like wanting to get it on with the other person. (IE: Think of you grabbing a woman's ass or horror of horrors, attempting to mount her like the Beng did me, same thing, same effect.) As with regards to his 'big dick' I think I can safely say (without him murdering me cause he doesn't read my blog or any blog for that matter) that it was 'average', I've certainly seen my fair share to recognise a whammer when I see one. ^^.

Alright, a bit of a digression there but to sum up. Being Gay only means our sexuality and choice of the sex of our partners is different from Straights. We remain the same in so many other ways, we think, we laugh, we love, we hurt too. Being Gay, unfortunately also means being different in the sense that we are not straight. And being in the minority, it appears unfortunately to be up to us to correct certain misconceptions the straight majority perceive to be true for your average gay guy.

Not all gays are effeminate, being Gay does not affect our ability to express ourselves nor does it mean that we indulge/engage in sex to 'express' ourselves (we do it cause we like/want to - dun need to analyse so much, it's exactly the same reason why straights do it), Gay guys don't make out everywhere in public, those who do (in terms of sex) deserve to get caught and lastly 'Nuture' and environmental influences are a load of crap, we don't become gay as a result of our environment or upbringing, we are gay, it's just a matter of when we become aware that we are gay.

And that in a nutshell is what being Gay is about.

I'm Gay so now I can't Jog?

I've always enjoyed jogging, it's rhythmic, it doesn't require any mental effort beyond pacing yourself and it's certainly good exercise. Which is why it's the one form of exercise (other than sex which doesn't count cause it's so enjoyable) that I can get myself to do on a regular basis even though I haven't been religiously doing so as of late. The news about the list of gay events that were cancelled in rapid succession wasn't really news to me, after all this is Singapore and anything that is 'unconventional' or 'promotes an alternative lifestyle' is deemed as 'going against our conservative values and family values that Singaporeans cherish.' Like please, people have a brain of their own, let them decide.

Anyway, the entry on Mr Wang's blog about the police harassing a group of 40 gay and lesbian men and women, prohibiting them from running as a group just set me off. It's downright ridiculous why the Police have so much spare time on their hands to harass 40 homosexuals on a Saturday morning and prevent them from jogging as a group. Don't they have better things to do? Like spending the time currently directed towards harassing and entrapping homosexuals, solving cases and enforcing real law and order instead. And the joggers were simply 40 men and women out for a jog on a Saturday morning, they weren't disruptive or out to create public disorder.

It's become a norm, an accepted policy to target homosexuals or events perceived to have a homosexual agenda/slant in the name of the greater good. So much so that some of the police officers didn't even know the correct Act the alleged offence was committed under, let alone the correct section. Indignation's post on the incident cites Inspector Kelvin Yeo as stating the offence was committed under the Miscellaneous Offences Act(but he didn't know the section). The correct act and provision should be Section 141 of the Penal Code for Unlawful Assembly(unlawful gathering of 5 or more people with a common object to commit an offence, etc).

But then again the elements of the offence would not be satisfied. The 40 gay men and women were not there with the common objective of commiting any trespass, offence or mischief. They weren't there to compel others to commit any crime by show of criminal force. They weren't even nude. All they wanted was to go jogging. But apparently that's 'illegal' too. I was born in Singapore and this will probably continue to be the place I'll stay in at least for the foreseeable future. But it's hard to be 100% proud of your country when it's not even proud of you in the first place.

Comments and posts by a young PAP member on the young PAP blog that borders on downright bigotry, only encourages greater prejudice and reinforces the notion that gay men and women are second-class citizens in their country due to their sexuality. It is even more disturbing because a young professional PAP member who might possibly be one day governing the nation is making such lame and repulsive remarks online and feels justified in doing so. 'We threaten the societal fabric of the Country? We cannot procreate and are thus unworthy?' Makes one's blood boil.

The way things currently stand, we don't ask for much, just greater acceptance and an open mindset free from the bigoted views held by that young PAP member. It's bad enough with entrapment, bad enough knowing that everytime we have sex, it's illegal. At least let us jog in peace.