Because what's started must be finished.
A paradox in many ways would be a good way of summing up my sexual awakening and exploits. Experienced yet naive, angsty but hopeful, cynical yet a hopeless romantic. But what is life if not a journey? That phrase of life, bitter-sweet, is one I would not willingly relinquish even if given the option to do so. But I didn't come to philosophise, leave that to the bored or wise. And so I continue.
I mentioned previously that in the process of growing up I was often slow on the uptake in certain areas but considerably less in others. I've always attributed this partly due to the fact that I was a late bloomer. Having a small stature and looks that perpetually subtracted from my age meant that people always presumed that I was three years younger than I really was, a trend which continues to this day. Which made the childish urge to want to grow up faster all the more pressing in those long pre-pubescent years. Puberty was perceived as the next great frontier albeit one fraught with dangers though the prospect of growing up and doing things was immensely attractive.
I find myself faltering here. I had envisioned an easy, seamless way of explaining just how in certain areas, especially in those of self discovery I was considerably ahead of others. But when push comes to shove, the faint sense of embarrassment and the sheer banality of the subject matter prevents a more eloquent exposition. But I promised that this would be unadulterated so I shall deliver it thus. I started masturbating around primary two. Yes, start screaming. Mind you it wasn't a pre-planned thing as most guys who still remember their first 'hand fuck' would tell you. I didn't even know what that activity that felt so good was termed till some years later.
Now you must be thinking what sort of poor perverted kid I must have been, to tell you the truth if it had not been for that 'talk on the birds and bees' by the mother, who knows it might never have happened till much later when horny teenage boys discover the joys of wanking the crank or whatever they call it. Then again maybe not. Suffice to say, for some reason, my parents believed in letting us know about the bird and bees at that early stage and I still remember her showing me those pictures in the St John ambulance's medical book or something depicting the process of delivery and some other book about what two married couples do when they're really in love with each other and want to start a family. That night, I couldn't sleep due to a persistent hard on and *presto* the discovery that your right hand plus your glorious member (well not so glorious then) made for happy times. And I never really looked back since then.
Sean was understandably horrified when he first learnt of this back when we were still dating. "PRIMARY two??? What?? so EARLY??...I only started in Secondary two.." Which was understandable I guess, given that he used to be one of those guys who liked kicking a ball about and tossing them through hoops with pals in secondary school, replete with chasing and getting the girl of his dreams. Before realising that girls weren't really his thing too. He still gets reticent when the subject of sexual awakening pops up from time to time and I tease him mercilessly on his rather late awakening. Whereupon he usually sulks and testily replies that he's not as whorish as I am which naturally invites punishment of some sort.
Anyway I digress. Let me see where should I begin. First times are usually a good starting point. We would like to believe/ hold out for the notion that our first time will always be given to someone we love. Oh yea and ideally it's even better if you get married first yada yada. But as is often the case, our first time is normally frittered away and this is doubly true if you're a horny gay teenager with the perceived idea that one has nothing to lose. Discounting the hand job at a classmate's place (cause a hand job is still a hand job), my first was facilitated by the ubiquitous IRC. The now defunct GTS channel was the first real eyeopener that really one wasn't alone at all, that very realisation sufficient to embolden me on the quest to get to know more people. The prospect of the forbidden fruit never far from mind.
My first was with a guy one year my junior in Sec 2 (was sec 3 then), kind of average boy next door look though he was shorter than me. We chatted for a couple of days on Irc and phone before deciding to meet up on a day I had meticulously ensured the place would be free. From a greenhorn's perspective (me) his tales of even doing it in a car park sounded so shamelessly wild, I got a hard on just listening to him. Back at my place, the tension was palpable. "You've never done it before right? Can tell." he quizzed.
"Huh, really? Uh.. ya." All attempts at nonchalance failing miserably.
Whereupon he leaned over and kissed me. My first kiss, fleeting and frenchless. He had now settled back into his position beside me as if waiting for something expectantly. Which made me nervous.
"Erm. So what do i do now?" All the while thinking 'This is SO uncool. DO something.'
"Hmm you kiss me?" he replied. This was not how I had envisioned it to be, being swept off the feet by someone and ravaged tenderly.. instead here I was sitting beside a supposedly experienced junior in what was starting to feel like a do or dare session.
So I just shut my eyes and gave in to what I thought it might be like. Pushing him flat down, frenzied fumbling of buttons, groping wildly and kissing frantically. The rough unpolished overtures of the young uninitiated. Frenching was an interesting experience. I quickly learned that tongue wrestling or attempting to stick as much as possible of one's tongue into another guy's mouth was promptly rewarded with a loud MMPH and a hurried extrication. "You were shoving your whole tongue down my throat!" "Oops sorry."
Sex (oral only) was a real let down. His version of oral consisted of a lip lock around the dick with a constant up-down action that involved absolutely no tongue action and a whole load of hot air. Which was about as arousing as a having a hairdrier with the heat turned up constantly aimed at your dick. That gets dried out really quickly. Not cool. But it was my first time ever with a guy, I was still horny and we settled for a mutual hand job that ended up in a mess. I must admit I was more than a little disappointed at how it felt, even as inexperienced as I was, I was pretty sure that wasn't the way it should be performed. It sure as hell wasn't the way I did it. Thankfully, the others I met later quickly put that concern to rest.
Back then, oral sex was all that I thought was really necessary. The physically invasive and ironically what I perceived to be vulgar anal sex in the realm of the unknown & unneeded, the thought of excruciating pain and the strangeness an obstacle to the attempt. But the allure of the unknown is hard to resist especially for testosterone driven horny teenagers who could wank a thousand times a day and the fact that I was gay was irrelevant. Oral was still all fun, fine and dandy though it did lack that extra oomph.
Because contrary to popular belief, we seldom perform oral sex all the way till the other party actually cums for a variety of reasons foremost amongst which is it takes sometime (unless you're super horny or ultra sensitive) and time is usually something we don't have, not to mention the fact that it is quite tiring to be on the giving end. Duh. So if you reduce it to its most basic level sans the foreplay and oral part, gratification is still achieved by masturbation. Which like I said is all fine and dandy but there is always something more and anal was that more.
So one thing led to another and I finally gave in to a guy I had been seeing for a month. Let's just say anal is a lot more intense both on the receiving and giving end. Yes, it is thoroughly enjoyable. Yes, I'm glad I decided to try it. Yes, it is possible for the bottom to cum while being fucked. No, you will not suddenly be incontinent and have no control over your bowel movements. No, you cannot butt fuck as some yaoi /porn/novels will have you believe, five or more times a day. Not if you want to walk.
Looking back at those halcyon days, the numerous 'boyfriends', sex, getting stone drunk in Niche, sex in weird places, angsty crushes and outrageous escapades, I'm really glad I didn't contract HIV or anything. Though if you gave me the chance to go back, I'd probably just do it all over again.
Well except for the leaving the lube by the parents' bed part and telling my crush when I confessed to him that I was gay and he asked me seriously "So if I ask you to go with me to the toilet and suck me off now, will you do it?" and the idiot in me responding "No. I won't do it to friends." when what I was really screaming mentally was "ARE YOU KIDDING? OF COURSE! LET"S GO! NOW!!!!!!" part. Yeah except for these two and a couple of other inconvenient situations not much.. more safe sex yes maybe.
Well that pretty much sums up the hedonistic, carnalistic lifestyle of my youth. Yup yup. I'll probably conclude with a last part about him sometime soon. IE: when my work is done. SIGH...
Friday, January 19, 2007
Because what's started must be finished.