Thursday, January 18, 2007

Genesis.

A new blog. Pristine, clean, unadulterated. Never one who liked having to customise/start up new blogs, I was nonetheless persuaded to set one up in which I could express things in the way I really view it to be. Unadulterated, uncensored, no need to temper entries in the usual conventional, perceived way of things. Reckless insults and bigotry shall of course forever be absent.

For after all, a blog is to express your point of view as you see it (within the prescribed legal limits) without the need for further self-censure to present a view that is conventional and accepted. As all first posts go, an introduction of sorts is usually in order. Not that it's a chore of any sort, was just kind of reflecting on it. You know, those kind of situations when you suddenly wonder why and when it all started and you attempt to trace it all back to a single defining moment if possible. If not at the very least how this entire situation came to pass, the series of events, experiences and encounters. And so this is mine...

I've never really wondered when I knew I was gay. Sure enough, I've given it scant thought in the past, attributing it to somewhere in the past between childhood and the innocence of youth. But when and how, not really. Revelling in the hedonistic pleasures of the flesh and experiencing the rawness of teenage angst and emotions left me with scarcely the time and depth, I'm afraid to add, to just sit back and wonder. I'm sure it must have come up from time to time, only to be pushed back into the recesses of the mind, a minor inconvenience that could always be dealt with later.

So when did I realise I was gay? If we are talking about the strict meaning of the word, that one realises that he is attracted sexually to another male, I guess i could say with some certainty that it would be at the age of 13+ in Sec 2 when I decided to confide in a friend I had know for a short while whom I had grown very close to albeit, strangely in a non sexual way, which is probably the reason why we're still friends today. The lust of youth is a savage creature.
But the faintest realisations of the attraction to other males started much earlier, sometime in Primary 2-3. There was no single defining event, not that I recall, just something that grows and dawns on you. Though even then if you could have asked me whether I liked guys in the sense of the word as we understand homos to mean today I would have vehemently denied it.

My entire family has always been a very orthodox and conservative one and this extended to both sides of the family. Right and Wrong, Good and Evil was always/constantly drilled into us. The age old adage , Spare the rod and Spoil the child a commandment cherished as fervently as the thick Bible which Dad always opened at night and proceeded to read from before closing with prayer. Homosexuality was/still is regarded as a depraved sin that people with mental problems suffered from, a disease almost. So deeply ingrained was this, I still remember my very first glimpse of a 'homosexual act' between two actors on a late night TV Frenching each other sent an initial jolt of disgust, 'EE two GUYS kissing', along with another inexplicable perturbed feeling that I still find difficult to evocate today. Perhaps the sight/taste of forbidden fruit and the evocation of some strange emotion would describe it best. Needless to say, mom promptly switched channels and reinforced the carnality and depravity of such an act.

During this stage of growing up when looking up the meanings of various parts of the human anatomy both male and female in the Oxford dictionary with classmates was considered deliciously naughty, I was often slow on the uptake in certain areas, though considerably less so in others (more on that another time). I still remember a rather chubby(as he then was) classmate of mine coming up to me and bending back a 'Police-Crime does not Pay' bookmark and covering the eyes of the convict cartoon, leaving the bulbous nose and a bristly chin.

" Looks like IT huh?" he queried cheekily. "Uh, ya.. it does." I replied with a weak smile. Clueless that IT referred to the penis till I was enlightened much later, upon which I turned beet red. Though that was nothing compared to the time when I came to the sudden realisation that oral sex didn't refer to kissing, not even Frenching but rather 'stimulation of the sexual organs (male /female) to give sexual pleasure.' Even more embarrassing considering I was mentioning oral sex a little too loudly in class "But don't they have oral sex on TV?" and the geography teacher shot me a very weird look before my classmate hurriedly hushed me up. Sec 1 I believe. Sigh.

So it was only in Sec 2 when I finally realised that guys were the ones that really turned me on. I wasn't all confused and sullen, never faced with a oh shit why why kind of mentality. I guess i saw it coming all along, the little things that build up until the avalanche starts. A decided lack of interests in classmates' excited boasts of "Wah later I'm going out with XXX from MGS/RGS/CHIJ/SCGS. We chatted on irc the last 2 weeks etc etc", the strange experience of having a senior rush up from behind, hugging me really hard, saying bye & rushing off, leaving me in a daze-- I never caught a good look at his face. But the real thing which probably started me on the inexorable journey to where I am today is the Internet.

Ah yes we know it all too well. The Evils of the Net as some( notably members of the family and the occasional preacher) likes to put it. The Net literally expanded a new horizon. I still remember surfing on the 14.4 Kbps modem and watching pictures load cm by cm which somehow possessed an additional allure, especially when one was looking at pictures of that nature. My first encounter with gay porn that time left me with the familiar feeling of initial shock and mild disgust. Why would anyone want to lick THAT? But it was rapidly overwhelmed by that burning sense of desire and naked arousal. I attributed it mainly to the fact that it was something forbidden and taboo, the sight of it such great temptation much like the proverbial fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in Eden.

But I promptly realised too that I was genuinely attracted, titillated by the naughty dirty acts, men on men. A precursory surfing of hetero porn sites did give the initial kick due to the naughtiness factor though it promptly faded which left me all the more convinced that yes I was a homo. Though, at that time i would never admitted it. And as most of you who ever had a secret that burns so greatly knows, you need to tell someone. And at that age, caution is a trait the young are seldom blessed with. So I told A. because I felt that he of all people would be the most understanding due to his delicious eccentricity. Laughing over long beans in fried rice was probably the best ice breaker. And naturally I attempted to phrase it in a carefully neutral and conventionally acceptable way: "hmm you know last night I happened to stumble upon this erm site that showed a guy licking another guy's er dick. I was quite shocked.." *fidget* Whereupon A. interjected and said matter of factly that he had surfed such sites too and they were funny but nice. Whereupon all pretense at normality dropped and we exchanged more of our online 'adventures' as excited schoolboys are wont to do.

To say that I was relieved would be an understatement, this sense of joy and camaraderie at having found someone similar was beyond words. All thoughts of ridicule out of mind. There was strangely enough an unspoken rule between the two of us, we never acknowledged or vocalised to each other that we were gay, not till Sec 4 at least when we were well on our journey. There was no need to, we knew and took comfort even pride in the unmentioned sameness. And it was/is one that was devoid of any sexual overtures for which I am indeed truly glad. The lust of youth is a great ravager of relationships.

I had intended to talk a bit more about my sexual awakening though I have gone on long enough and shall perhaps mention it in a future post that will (hopefully) present a brief sketch of the journey till now and the person that so thoroughly occupies my thoughts now and will undoubtedly never let me hear the end of it should I make no mention of just how important he is to me. Heh heh. Till then, Adios.

4 comments:

BazBoi said...

Love you Dear!

Aelgtoer said...

Love you too! Now come post something!! haha.

Tienila said...

Hmmmmm...

I have purposely sought after this post (your first post on this blog) after reading through all your Odex commentaries. Why? you might ask.
For the same reason that had kept me from leaving until I had finished all of your Odex posts.
Even more than the content and the self-deprecating humor, your writings intrigued me. The way you charismatically conveyed your views seems to draw me in and made me feel as if I am there with you; experiencing the things that you are experiencing. I felt as if I had just finish a wonderful novel and am ready to seek out more books from the same author with the hope that it would be just as good.

Jo said...

I have always lamented not having gay friends because I feel there is fresh perspective there that I will never know myself. Having said that the way you express yourself in your writing is making me see what I have missed so far.