Friday, February 2, 2007

Winter Wind.

It never fails to strike me as strange how easily people change, how swiftly relationships are transformed. The familiar becomes strange, sometimes so irrevocably different you wonder whether you ever knew that person to begin with.

How weird it is to look back now at memories, times once familiar that now feel like they belonged to another person, at another time. But people change, that is inevitable, a change that is so total it exposes those actions and words to be a lie. Why profess eternal adoration and loyalty even when unwanted and change into something I don't even recognise now? It's so plastic now, shrouded with that veneer of artificiality.

Something from that, while the intensity was always frightening, the affection was real, mutating into something extending barely beyond hi-byes that feels strangely stretched, is something I'd rather not have. To be fair, people change, for whatever reason and looking back now there were times I was overtly harsh, even downright hostile. Perhaps I should have done it differently but the reasons why I did that I still stand by. You should know very well what they are.

Which makes all those actions, those repeated utterances ring loud and hollow, I told you frankly didn't I? That you would never always feel that way, despite your loud protestations and how I'd be the one to act that way. But of course actually experiencing it is never quite the same, leaving that strange bitter aftertaste palpable on one's tongue. But I was never able to provide you with the kind of affection that you desperately needed, which I am happy that you have finally found (in spite of your supremely loud and insistent announcements to the contrary, again.) but it still seems strange that things have turned out this way. Superficial and artificial.

Something I find difficult to accept after all that we've gone through. Or maybe it just didn't mean much to you. No, not for old time's sake my friend for that is a flogged carcass. And if that is the way you want it, then I shall let it be. Unrequited(or perceived to be unrequited) love is a tragedy, possibly maybe even worthy of corrections and amends for love is a quirky thing, incapable of definition that drives people to do the strangest things. And something not worth giving up upon.

But unrequited friendship is an oxymoron, an anomaly. Because contrary to belief, even friendships require effort to be sustained and to develop. Unless your definition of friendship is so loosely defined to encompass such perfunctory exchanges because really,that is all we do now. But if that's the way you want it superficial, artificial, skin-deep, that's the way it'll be then. I will choose to remember the person that once was, the memories that once were, shards of star dust in the burgeoning universe. Precious, fleeting and forever lost.

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