Walking in the Rain.

Today was a wet day. Pouring from the early afternoon all the way till about nine plus at night. The perfect weather for sleeping but weather that was not reflective of my mood. The mixed euphoria, relief and slightly drained feelings still residual from the emotional rollercoaster ride the night before buoyed with the knowledge that I'd be seeing him again later.

Trudging to school in that downpour, I only realised later while walking out after class, to my consternation that the rickety blue umbrella was leaking. The constant stream of droplets landing on my head, an inreffutable indicator that the umbrella with broken, rickety spines could be recycled no longer. So after meeting Sean at Bugis Mrt, I resolutely informed him that I needed to get an umbrella first before we walked to the DSC clinic at Kelantan Lane. "What's wrong with that?" He pointed at the soaked blue umbrella. " It leaks." "Oh."

Sadly for some weird reason, the only kind of portable umbrella on sale in Watson's were techni-coloured polka dotted ones. But beggars cannot be choosers. So I chose the most neutral colour: Polka dotted Beige (relatively -When contrasted with barbie pink, neon green and a most ghastly shade of dirty purple).
"You sure you want to throw this away?" Sean said wagging the blue umbrella.
"Try opening it and see for yourself."
"Ok..It's all wet inside..."
"Stupid thing was leaking and dripping on my head."

We walked to DSC clinic for the $20 HIV anonymous testing because it was what he requested and I wanted- a necessary thing to finally lay to rest the exhumed ghosts of the past. Staffed by other AJs (gays), testing and the counselling (which was fast for me- cuz it was my second test, longer for the poor boy who had to sit through a lecture about unprotected sex) was relatively fast, about 15 mins and we were finished with the results and all. Negative for both, of course.

We decided to walk to the Mustafa area of Little India for dinner and to take the NorthEast line up to Sengkang from Farrer Park station. Walking in the rain, Sean holding that beige polka dotted umbrella, arm around my shoulder, body snug close to his, past those back lanes, the small shops stocked with their garish wares, loud hindi music blasting from the store fronted with plastic music CDs; that moment was pure bliss. Walking in the rain, just the two of us.

We stopped for a very gratifying and filling dinner at Anada Bhavan Vegetarian restaurant (at one of its more modern 'express food' style outlets in Little India) just one road down from Mustafa. Cheap and Good. $6 for the South Indian set that I tell you comes chock full with so much stuff you don't know where to begin. So you do what the Indians do, mix everything up into a messy mush that looks disgusting but is incredibly tasty and eat. As Sean commented, imagine if all the Tiffin carriers contained meat instead of vegetables and the various vege curries /curd/ pickles.
"I think I'd throw up halfway through." I grimace.
"Hmm, ya I think I would too. This thing is already filling enough as it is."

Took some pics, cause I still remember the first time I sat down to a meal like that back in Primary six, that wide-eyed wonder as I thought to myself 'That's HUGE! And they have this everyday?'. And I could hardly finish half. These days I can finish it all, barely if I'm starving. Today I left a bit behind, but it was immensely satisfying.



Ok I was bored while waiting (it took only 5 mins for the food to be ready though). 'Badges' of honour covering the pinpricks and the AfA (Action for Aids) $20 cash only receipt.

Kyaaa! Just look at that monster. Alright don't ask me the names, I don't know what 70% of that is except that everything is vegetarian. 14 kinds of side dishes including the two pastes, a mountain of steaming white rice and delightfully purple pickles. Sweet white Lassi (yoghurt drink) in the background. Sean took the same set cuz they were out of Briyani. SIX bucks.

Now to mix and mash it all up. Disgusting but positively Yummy. Not fully mixed but you get my drift. And I swear this is the first time I've ever eaten something so purple (that wasn't some sweet, Jam or confectionary). Mixing can be a form of art too, you get the different colours of course, white, yellow, red, green, purple and when mixed well, the ensuing taste is really different, a blend that is really indescripable: savoury, spicy, sour with a tinge of sweetness.
Dropping me off later, we kissed and Sean slipped a cheque into my hand.
"Thanks so much for being with me, here's a little something." He whispered.
"What? You don't need to give me anything for being with you. I always wanted to." And I tried to slip it into his pocket.
"No, of course not it's not that, just a little thank you from the bonus. Use it to save up for the grad trip."
"Oh alright, thank you." Another kiss and he drives off.

Later on I get the Text: 'Don't get me wrong I'm not paying you to be my bf or anything k. Just to share with you what I got from last year.'
I know dummy, I was just teasing you. Hugs. Thank you. For everything and especially that walk in the rain. With you, just the two of us.

'I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm high on believing that you're in love with me.' -Hooked on a Feeling /BJ Thomas

Redemption

By you I have been redeemed. The paralysis that set in: the inability to eat, think coherently or do anything, lifted. That phone call was painful, excruciatingly so. I cried so hard, ashamed, embarrassed, wretched, never having given careful consideration to how you felt. But it was worth it.... The thought of losing you permanently unbearable, something which frightened me more than anything else. That aching vise like grip in the chest, a pain palpably physical like a gaping hole threatening to consume all into oblivion.

"Don't cry please." You said, tears behind that voice. But I couldn't help it. Face in hands, violent wracking sobs that would not be stopped, the tears flowing freely. And something you said that will always stay with me. "We don't live for ourselves only, we live for each other too just as I live for you and our actions will have to reflect that." So true.

"I'm not leaving you, this is something we have to bear together."
"But I'm the one entirely at fault, you shouldn't have to bear it. It's unfair to you, just do whatever you want with me."
"I'll bear it with you because we face things together, as a couple."

Bitter-sweet. Thank you for redeeming me.

Truth

Thank you for reminding me so pointedly that a relationship without truthfulness on the part of both parties lacks a fundamental tenet. Without total and frank disclosure, trust is a concept fervently cherished, painstakingly constructed on a bedrock of suppressed half-truths and glossed over distractions that one hopes will disappear with the passage of time.

Thank you for galvanising me into action, into confessing one's infidelity and abject wretchedness fuelled by lust of the flesh and a mind that has been quick to act, worry about the consequences later.

Yes what a tangled web we weave when we first learn to deceive. The need to carry on some lies hanging on in perpetuity. Love without Truth is flawed, that truism I agree with and is something I've struggled with for so long. Hoping that by focusing on the genuine affection and love I held that miraculously some form of self penitence could be achieved, the wrongs wrought absolved by the strength and genuinity of Love coupled with the steadfast determination never to repeat it again.

But yes I see it now, not so as debasing the notion of Love, wielding it like some common catchphrase to encompass a casual concoction of companionship, sex and convenience. Perhaps once I would have, maybe once I even did, but not now. And to perceive as you would from a bystander's viewpoint, coming to such a stand with such nonchalance that love is simply a school girl's dream, a fantasy of convenience and romance, ignores the fact that I really love him. Simple as that. Sure my past actions probably throw a dubious light on my declaration, and natural cynic that you(Kate) are, are undoubtedly justified in coming to such a conclusion. But we humans are complex creatures and relationships are complex interactions that defy logic and reason. Why we act the way we do. Can you seriously say that you've never lied to someone you love or matters incredibly much to you yourself?

But I digress and my intention is not to justify for I stand before you, Sean, incredibly damned and broken. Without truth, continuing this desperate attempt to gloss over damning infidelity by focusing solely on the present, all the while looking into your eyes, haunted by the very realisation that I have not been giving you the truth. Dark secrets that threaten to burst forth from their shallow grave. Without truth, continuing this gaily disguised charade of one, is a one sided and extremely selfish affair that does you no justice. How can I expect the same from you when I cannot even confess what I've done.

Those terrible deeds of infidelity that gnaw inside and remind that whatever you have given to me 100%, I cheated on in those times. And returning it 110% now, not out of guilt, but of genuine realisation that I was always running from my heart, that the love I have for you is real, attempting to make up for the past; Is no form of self-penitence, no justice to you, for only with Truth may I possibly be absolved. By you and only you.

"Give me sometime to digest this. It's too sudden." The pain and anger you no doubt feel. Justified in every way. I want to say: Should you so decide it unforgivable, so terribly despicable and say goodbye I will understand. But I can't. Even though I do understand the wretchedness you feel, the hurt I've caused, the beast I am, I still don't know what i'll do without you. Ironic isn't it, this inability, this refusal to let go still stems from that selfish need of needing you. But It takes two to clap, I'll wait, I'll do anything I can but if you want nothing more to do with me. I'll understand. Maybe accept eventually. But not now, should I plead for forgiveness? I don't even have the right to do so. Tell me.

To the one whose tongue of acid that shocks and bites. Words are immaterial. Love can be love by any other name, it's the substance not the form. A carnation will never be a rose, that is obvious but its beauty lies not in its imitability but in its very essence..of being a carnation. I don't prophesy, Love is no Oracle but a constant journey. We cannot predict the future but we can face it together. And when the constantly cultivated evolution blossoms, the journey is that much better.

Confessing brings crushing relief, bitter with the tinge of betrayal and wretchedness, sweet with the knowledge of coming clean, the purging of unsavoury debris. Don't let go. I'll be waiting.

$173 has been banked into your account via cheque, Kate. ($39 for the bus ride which leaves $79 for Annie and $94 for you.)

Cheap Thrill.

Well one of my translated works has finally been released by Obsession in its full scanlated version, Chapter 2 of Nigai Kajitsu (A Bitter Fruit) - a collection of bittersweet one shots by the very talented (ie: hot guys, great stories) Shiuko Kano, woot! Chapters 3 and 4 should be on their way soon.


It's one of the last few translations I've done (before the current short hiatus for the hellish assignment weeks) but the earlier ones are scheduled to be released as part of the group's Anniversary whammy.

Look forward to more smex coming your way ^^.


And the cheap/free thrill factor? Having your nickname mentioned in the credits page along with the knowledge that everyone who reads the translated version is reading what you want them to. Wahahaha.

Fever.

Because sleep continues to elude me until the wee hours of the morning, the hellish weeks of assignment have started and sometimes a little fever is good. Bon apetit!

KISS KISS: Click here(or screen) to watch video
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