Thursday, January 24, 2008

Over..

It's over...

6 Years 1 Month and 4 Days of laughter, tears, passion and unrivalled companionship. Over. The journey terminated as abruptly as it began.

All because I always assumed this companionship, this ability to feel so comfortable, be so wanted and commit oneself to another so fully must surely be that elusive thing called Love. It wasn't magical but I was content.

Content even to stay committed and dedicated in the relationship for the rest of my life. We had it all planned out. Car, Condo, even potential locations. But the heart is a funny thing. I'm not even sure I like it much right now. The head never fails. The heart always does.

Just when you think it is secure, kept under lock, stock and barrel from the firm commitment and quiet dedication you have affirmed so often, so strongly to the other party, in glowing contentment; someone comes along and the heart leaps, stirs and with a rousing cry, breaks free from the carefully wrought restrictions.

And the difference is appallingly, screamingly clear. The previously unwavering resolve of dedication and commitment, that warm glow of blissful companionship unable to quench the raging fires that burn within; your thoughts, feelings and entire being now completely focused on that other someone.

Let me be clear. I am wrong. Have been and will always be. The fact that I failed to distinguish unrivalled companionship from love does not change the fact that he, an innocent party, has to suffer for my stupidity. Again. But staying in the relationship out of a sense of duty and commitment is unfair to him and not an option, at all.

It's certainly not the other party's fault, the one who unwittingly made the heart militate so violently and laid bare the glaring, unavoidable difference. That person had and has no intention of playing such a part, even counselling in very firm terms not to throw away this six year relationship, to remain committed to the other party, to learn to remain focused.

But when you see the light, you cannot return to the mindless oblivion of darkness, soothing though it may be. I have gained nothing and lost everything. If I could force this unfathomable thing to love and learn to love a person, I would have done so without a moment's hesitation. If the heart could be blockaded, whipped into submission, I would have.

It however remains wild and untameable and frankly I'm quite sick of it. It would have been better if he had questioned me relentlessly as I expected or yelled at me as he was perfectly entitled to do so. Watching him twist the mug of tea in his hands as he twirled the tea bags while just nodding silently to everything I said was infinitely more disturbing.

We left in different directions with a curt nod and a ok let's go. And as I watched his departing back, a small part of me, indescribable yet tangible, died. Right now I just feel dead. No tears, no rage, no relief, nothing except a sense of finality and that what had to be done was done. Perhaps the tears will come, perhaps they won't.

A walking cadaver.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my...Ur relationship has always been a source of strength and hope for me in this community. This is really abrupt, but when u can see the end, its really the end. I pray that time will ease your wounds bcos this is no ordinary hole that time can mend. Sigh...

David

wildgoose said...

It will not feel like it now, but time does heal. Take care in the meantime.

sinlady said...

*hugs*

Aelgtoer said...

To David, WG and SL : Thanks so much. Hugs.

virtual1979 said...

;_; *hugz*
You know, I've bookmarked your blog and drop by from time to time.. sometimes to draw strength from your inspiring posts, sometimes to share the laughter and joy from your wonderful experiences with love and life.
I'm sorry it's turned out this way.. but like what others have said, I pray that time will heal this pain, and that things will look up for you in the near future.

Hope both of you are still on good terms. Love's ups and downs can be both exhilarating and scary, but sometimes, it's comforting to know that you have at least one more friend in your circle.

cheers from malaysia

Aelgtoer said...

Virtual: Thanks:) I'm sorry it turned out this way too, to paraphrase a friend "..this fairytale didn't have a happily ever after..".

We're on cordial terms though it feels strange to be so polite and distant to someone who just a month ago was someone so close to you.

virtual1979 said...

*hugz* Hope things will settle down for you. Like they say, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a matter of when.

cheers from malaysia

Jonathan said...

Just read this. I'm so sorry. Take good care of yourself....

Aelgtoer said...

Jonathan: Hey thanks. Haven't heard from ya for a while. How have you been?

Jonathan said...

I've been busy - just joined another practice, and am in the process of settling in....

Aelgtoer said...

Ah k, yep settling into a new environment always takes a little time, get the hang of things soon!

And we're always busy but that's life as a peon of the salt mines as you so aptly put it. cheers:)