6 Years 1 Month and 4 Days of laughter, tears, passion and unrivalled companionship. Over. The journey terminated as abruptly as it began.
All because I always assumed this companionship, this ability to feel so comfortable, be so wanted and commit oneself to another so fully must surely be that elusive thing called Love. It wasn't magical but I was content.
Content even to stay committed and dedicated in the relationship for the rest of my life. We had it all planned out. Car, Condo, even potential locations. But the heart is a funny thing. I'm not even sure I like it much right now. The head never fails. The heart always does.
Just when you think it is secure, kept under lock, stock and barrel from the firm commitment and quiet dedication you have affirmed so often, so strongly to the other party, in glowing contentment; someone comes along and the heart leaps, stirs and with a rousing cry, breaks free from the carefully wrought restrictions.
And the difference is appallingly, screamingly clear. The previously unwavering resolve of dedication and commitment, that warm glow of blissful companionship unable to quench the raging fires that burn within; your thoughts, feelings and entire being now completely focused on that other someone.
Let me be clear. I am wrong. Have been and will always be. The fact that I failed to distinguish unrivalled companionship from love does not change the fact that he, an innocent party, has to suffer for my stupidity. Again. But staying in the relationship out of a sense of duty and commitment is unfair to him and not an option, at all.
It's certainly not the other party's fault, the one who unwittingly made the heart militate so violently and laid bare the glaring, unavoidable difference. That person had and has no intention of playing such a part, even counselling in very firm terms not to throw away this six year relationship, to remain committed to the other party, to learn to remain focused.
But when you see the light, you cannot return to the mindless oblivion of darkness, soothing though it may be. I have gained nothing and lost everything. If I could force this unfathomable thing to love and learn to love a person, I would have done so without a moment's hesitation. If the heart could be blockaded, whipped into submission, I would have.
It however remains wild and untameable and frankly I'm quite sick of it. It would have been better if he had questioned me relentlessly as I expected or yelled at me as he was perfectly entitled to do so. Watching him twist the mug of tea in his hands as he twirled the tea bags while just nodding silently to everything I said was infinitely more disturbing.
We left in different directions with a curt nod and a ok let's go. And as I watched his departing back, a small part of me, indescribable yet tangible, died. Right now I just feel dead. No tears, no rage, no relief, nothing except a sense of finality and that what had to be done was done. Perhaps the tears will come, perhaps they won't.
A walking cadaver.
Thursday, January 24, 2008