WTFcrimProWTF

Of all the things the Sister had to ask when she got home, she had to go ,"So how was your paper today?" And all I could manage was a half strangled grunt before finally forcing out a lame singularly unconvincing 'Ok la...should be able to pass.' When what I was actually thinking was more along the lines of this:

"So how was Crim Pro?"

I knew I was screwed when I sat down and started reading the questions, that faintly familiar feeling of dread and horror slowly creeping down the spine one I'd not felt since sitting for those abysmal Chemistry papers in JC1. For starters, I didn't understand half of what they were asking for, so the usual modus operandi of flipping didn't work too well since well I didn't even know what they wanted, let alone where to look to find a plausible answer.

But still I flipped, desperately, if only to find something which sounded remotely correct for the particular question before me. Some just left me totally stumped like that horrific part in question 1 about the multiple charges and what not. I had never been more tempted in my life to draw a smiley face and write something idiotic like "Bruce should adopt a more positive attitude!" Though I must say my hastily scribbled 'Duplicity of Charges. Appeal against it.' wasn't much better either.

The rest of the paper wasn't much better either, blowing two hours and ten minutes on question 1 left me with 50 minutes for the other two shorter questions which didn't fare too well either. How do you obtain the Notes of Evidence? 'Apply to the Registrar for it.' Right. Perhaps the only comfort to be gleaned from such a depressing paper is the general consensus that the Paper's an utter nightmare. Like I overheard one guy moaning to another, "I had absolutely no idea what to write! I just wrote that the cases are reconcilable and the law student who gave that opinion should be made to retake his legal education." Lol.

Well now I understand why the tutor commented in class, "Criminal Procedure is the most widely flunk paper, they even had to give everyone 20 marks across the board for one year. Which is why I don't have a very good opinion of the standard of the Criminal Bar." Touche.

Bedtime Story

Today I will tell you chums a bedtime story to alleviate a little of that boredom that comes hard on the heels of reading Criminal Procedure. A story plagiarised wholesale from one of the mother's comprehension passages for 10 year old tykes, tweaked a little for unwholesome entertainment. And you wonder what sort of stuff kids are thought these days.

The fat Bitch and the Dumb stud.

A very beautiful girl lived in a small country town. She had red lips, golden hair and blue eyes, a slim figure and a soft, gentle voice. (Not Pamela Anderson kind of Blond, more like Cinderella or what not.) A young man lived in the same street. He loved her very much and he wanted to marry her. He went to the girl and asked her to be his wife.

"Pooh!" she said unkindly, "You are not good enough for me. I am too beautiful for a man like you. But I will marry you if you give me a diamond ring.' The young man went away and worked hard for many years. At last he saved enough money to buy the girl a diamond ring."Here is your ring," he said. "Now will you marry me?'' "Yes," the Girl said, "But first, you must get a fine house for me to live in. I am too beautiful to live in a small house.'' The young (dumb) man went away and worked harder than before. At last, he had enough money to buy a fine house.

"I have gotten a fine house for you to live in," he said to the girl. "Now will you marry me?'' "Yes," said the girl, "but first you must buy me beautiful clothes to wear. I am too beautiful to wear ordinary, rough clothes (bitch bitch bitch)." The young man went away and worked harder than ever. He bought beautiful branded clothes for the girl and went to see her again. "Here's the LV you asked for " he said. "Now will you marry me?"

"No" the girl bitch said. "A very wealthy merchant has come to live in the town. He has much more money than you will ever have. People say he is looking for a wife. When he sees me, I know he will want to marry me. I am the most beautiful girl bitch in the town." The Young (and dumb) man was very sad (Duh) when he heard this. He was also very angry (about time) with the girl, but he said, "Very well. I love you and want you to be happy, so I will help you marry this man (I love you, so you can sleep with my best fugly STD-ridden mate)." Then he went away.

A few days later he came to the girl's house again. "I have talked to this merchant," he said. "You are right. He is very wealthy. Many people say he is the richest man in the country. But he is a strange man. He does not like slim girls with golden hair. He likes fat girls with very short black hair. He is also a little deaf. Your voice is too soft. If you want to marry him, you must learn to speak louder.''
"Then it will be easy for me to marry him," the girl bimbotic bitch said. "I shall cut my hair and make it black. I shall eat and eat until I am very fat. And I shall practice speaking in a loud voice." ''Yes"said the young (dumb) man. "That is what you must do.' And he went away.

In a small country town there lives a very fat girl with short black hair and a very loud voice. Nobody wants to marry her.

And the moral of the the story?

1. Beautiful Blonds that look like Cinderellas are really bimbotic, bitchy, Bling bling grabbers.

2. Young Men who chase after the above mentioned category of girls are better off blowing their hard earned money on Postal Brides. Or on more appreciative male partners.

3. Fat girls with short black hair and a loud voice are destined to be confined to the rubbish bin of spinsterdom. Unless she's lesbian.

Studied Indifference.

In 14 days or approximately 848 hours later, my life as a relaxed, free-wheeling student will come to an end. Forever. Goodbye to getting up at noon and languidly lazing away the afternoons. Hello to 40 years of getting up at the crack of dawn and heading home after dark. Like E. said, it really does put things into perspective, before we groaned so loudly that the auntie on the train glared at us. Well at least I get paid. Hooray.

In the meanwhile, there's a little inconvenience known as the Bar Exam or PLC exams as they call it to get through first. Which is really a terrible bore as exams always are, the older I get the more I detest it. Because to me, it's always just a test of how well you can flip through the stacks of notes during the span of two to three hours, hopefully mix and match the issue to the answers and try to smoke ones way through while hoping for the best.

This exam will be no different, apart from the fact it comprises a whopping six subjects, voluminous stacks of muggers that make one weep when attempting to plow through it for the first time and determines whether one actually gets called to the Bar as an Advocate & Solicitor of Singapore; the modus operandi remains the same. Go in, sit down, read, flip flip flip, scribble and smoke, come out, moan and hope to have passed.

Not that I have much of a choice, the level of preparation goes down with each passing exam and for the current one, I still haven't touched Conveyancing at all and a quarter of the useful albeit very dry Civil Procedure. And when I say touch, I mean reading the stuff for the first time. Thank god for weekends.

Seriously, this is one of those times I wish I could just zip on ahead, say 12 days into the future, secure in the knowledge that everything that's needed to be done has already been done. It remains a pleasant daydream of course, enough to while away the time. On a wholly unrelated note, I finally found the missing wedding ring after a desperate two day search that involved rummaging through the rubbish bin (don't laugh, the last time I lost it, it was mixed up with tissue paper that I then threw into the bin much to Sean's chagrin), moving dusty cupboards all in an attempt to find the elusive ring.

Which I finally found in the pants pocket of my freshly washed laundry. I'm horrible I know, what kind of partner/husband loses his/her wedding ring not once but twice. Terrible. For now, I'll probably just do like Aileen says, wear it all the time. Or put it in a box, a habit that never lasts more than two weeks at most. Sigggghh. Back to more yawn-inducing notes.

Sweet Secrets: Deceive to Please.

I was on the way home after a none-too-successful study session that involved more yakking and snacking than actual studying. The train was packed as usual, not sardine rush-hour packed but sufficiently cramped such that it left one with little space between other people. So it was thus that I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between a teenager (boy next door look, 17 years old max) and his mom. I say couldn't help overhearing because he was right beside me and his loud, clear voice was audible through the Enya playing on my headphones.

So anyway this boy was asking for permission to stay over at a guy friend's place cause it'd be convenient for them to go over to the chalet in Pasir Ris the next morning. And he was very earnest, even though he only explicitly mentioned 'please' once, the undertone of 'pleeeeeasee, pleeeeeasee' ran throughout the entire conversation. The desperate to get permission but trying to sound nonchalant about it and failing miserably kind of tone if you get my drift.

Then his mom (because only a mother would say something like that) must have told him not to do anything funny (which on hindsight is exactly what the mother used to say, only in more explicit terms- the woman who used to think going out 1 on 1 with a girl is prelude to sex, 2 guys = Brokeback Mountain and a party of 3 or more, potential Orgy) cause the boy went,"Huh? What do you mean by doing something funny?" He rapidly recovered though and promised her what she wanted to hear for he soon ended with a jubilant "Ya, I know. Thanks."

Rapid pressing of keypad. "Hello dear? Ya, can. *Beams* On the train now..Ok I'll see you there." And ended with a smile plastered on his face. Definitely not a casual friend on the other end. It could have been a hot chick but I strongly suspect our eager friend's a gay boy. Not that he looked/acted feminine or carried himself in the stereotypical gay sense (bent hand, etc). It's hard to put it down precisely, it's the little things said and done plus the feeling or 'vibes' if you prefer, that you get.

And when he got off the train at Toa Payoh, he strode off at a brisk trot, the bounce in his stride of anticipated pleasure and barely suppressed glee reinforced by that faint smile still lingering on his face. The what I like to call 'Gonna get laid' look.

Which brought back fond memories of the lodestone of excuses Army provided: guard duty, going outfield for exercise, parades, etc just to spend the night with Sean.

Ah, the lies we speak for the pleasures we seek.

Naruto: Clash of the Ninja Revolution

No, it's not the Apocalypse. Just another Naruto free for all bitch fight on the Wii with fellow inmates from IMH. Taking gaming to a whole new level.

Yep yep. I blame it on the stress exerted by the upcoming exams or rather the stress for the lack of stress which should currently be exerting itself. Whatever. I love free for alls. Roawr. Scream.

Old Changi Hospital.

Yesterday instead of mugging (what's new), I paid changi hospital a visit with a bunch of other like-minded bored souls. The old one that is. We figured we might as well go since it'll be torn down soon. So determined in our efforts to get spooked were we, that we returned twice, once in the late afternoon and another again after dinner. If only because the afternoon sojourn while a little creepy rapidly lost its freaky factor as the shadows lengthened and voracious swarms of mosquitoes attacked.

The place I must say is really more rundown than scary. Everything's in a state of disrepair (duh) with assorted fixtures dangling precariously from the ceiling, pools of fetid water and a crap load of debris. The evening expedition did take on a whole different flavour though, there is just something about the dark and having to make do with a tiny torch wielded by someone who shrieks everytime a bat flies past.

We did stumble upon the mortuary(?) in the basement, an area we didn't explore earlier, one which was arguably the freakiest place of all. Four sweaty peeps huddled close in a formation that gravitated towards torch light which swung about frenziedly was an interesting experience. I screamed. The rest certainly did too and Kate looked like she was hyperventilating at one stage with her black woman declarations of 'Oh god, oh god, I'm too old for this!'

Still, other than a couple of goose-bump inducing moments the night was largely uneventful. No headless ghosts or women crying out for their babies. No apparitions materialising out of thin air. Though I'm pretty sure if we shone the torch at a particularly dark corner and a sight like this greeted us;

we'd have run shrieking from the place faster than you can say boo.

Embrace

In silence he waits, inhabiting your dreams of old, muttering things yet untold.

Feet dragging across the forest floor, dead leaves and twigs rustling, cracking. The snapping of brittle bones upon a barren battlefield.

Turning in the eternal gloom, the shadows you see transient, fluid.

Like Sprites, they dance. Melding into the skeletal trees, threading the carpeted sea of brown before vanishing into the lengthening shadows.

Ephemeral these thoughts are, hard to fathom, harder to control.

But they are not what you sense, he remains hidden, watching and waiting.

Then when in weariness, you lie insensate, the dry dead foliage embracing one with haste; he emerges from the shadows, caressing your forehead with a kiss.

'Up.' he breathes. Your body resists but he grips you hard and will not desist.

With a reedy sigh that echoes the rustle of tumbling leaves, one is released from the earthy grave.

Embracing you, he coaxes you forward. Step by step. Shadows flee and silence descends, a suffocating blanket, deafening in its entirety.

Must we go in flames? In bouts of fitful ire, raging against the dying light?

When Oblivion be such painless release, the vacuous mind devoid of clouding shadows?

But for now, on you plod, the crackling of downtrodden undergrowth drowning out his muttered observations, the flitting shadows blinding one from his faint silhouette.

So patiently he waits, watching and waiting.

Carnal Confession

I was chatting on MSN with an acquaintance the other day, an old flame to be precise. One of those occasions that people who have never communicated for years decide to do so on a whim and suddenly realise they have so much to talk about. The conversation started out with the perfunctory "Hey how have you been, not dead yet?" kind of greeting before inevitably progressing to the current state of affairs and our sex lives. Or the lack thereof in his case.

"Work's such a bitch." he moaned. "Tell me about it, I'll be joining you soon." "Hope you like the long hours." "Not much of a choice there..." Then he was groaning about how little time he could spend with the other half, a tertiary student seven years his junior and how the inability to fuck as often as they would like to sometimes added to the tension. A fact I fully commiserate with, precocious testosterone driven male teenagers with mental faculties of reasoning that largely reside in that turgid member between their legs are perpetually horny and almost always thinking about sex. I should know, I was a teenager once. Heck, I'm almost 25 now and I'm still horny. Just not always.

Whereupon J. suddenly declared.
"You've always been a carnal creature. You know that don't you?"
"Huh?" I offered taken aback, unbidden mental images of a Pan-like orgasmic revelry coming to mind.
"You know, always being so impulsive and going for what you want. You even lose yourself so totally in sex."
" Well, doesn't everyone? I might be a beast in bed but outside of it I'm pretty human."
"That is debatable."
"Oh really? Aren't you one yourself ? Sex in the office and while attached too." I rebutted.
"Just a moment's indiscretion. I remain a perfect gentleman." came the reply.
"Right, right. Many moments of indiscretion if I recall correctly."
" Ha ha, those were the days."
"Yep, those halcyon days."

I guess there is some truth to his observation though, disturbingly phrased as it may be. Except for stuff that would result in potentially disastrous consequences(ie: Death or getting locked away for a looong long time), I've never really thought twice about making decisions or going for things which promise potential gratification. It's always been do/get first and worry about the consequences later.

This habit of living for the moment and instant gratification probably has to be my greatest fault, it certainly doesn't bode well for the wallet. One reason why I absolutely detest window shopping: because there's a chance I'll see something I fancy and grab it at all costs without stopping to ponder every single merit like Sean (sometimes so exasperatingly ^^) does. A habit that unfortunately causes him much grief sometimes, most recently manifested in the form of my Wii purchase. Sorry dear:P

So yes, in that way I am very much a carnal creature, though it may sound unpleasant, it remains an inescapable fact that my personal philosophy appears to be enjoy now, think/worry later. Hardly a prudent one but certainly very enjoyable. I am trying to change though, if not only for the fact I'll give Sean a heart attack at the rate I'm going. Some priorities however will never change. Like Sex or Balancing Work with Play.

Which is the reason why I'm going to play Naruto on the Wii now. Time to indulge in some carnality. Ta ta.

Dreams

Dream they said because Dreams push you further, drive you harder, make you better.
Aim for the stars and should you fall, the moon be yours.

But Dreams are for the idle and the free.
And I am neither.
Baptismal of tears, truth etched in the shifting sands of Time.
Cognizant yet unaware, Master and Slave.

Life tempered by blood and fire.

Inertia

If Time is the great destroyer of human aspirations, cruelly laying bare lofty ideals to be empty shells; Inertia, the great disabler of actions, must be its twin sister. A silent seductress, it sneaks up upon one and gently enfolds you in its embrace, lulling one into a false sense of complacency. Then when you wake and attempt to flee, Inertia tightens the noose and its vice-like grip, a paralysis that requires extreme willpower or panic-induced franticness to overcome.

After all, it's always easier to go,' Oh there's always tomorrow'. And with tomorrow comes another tomorrow. And the strangehold tightens. I was supposed to have started the revision on Monday. Keyword here of course being supposed. As usual my favourite mistress, Inertia, had to keep me busy with everything else other than work. Procrastination, a luxury we can ill afford but often liberally pamper ourselves with.

With great determination, I have resolved to start tomorrow because I'll need the less than 3 weeks to master the basics (ie: pass) for the 6 subjects. And I have no intention of being gripped by panic-fuelled paralysis at the eleventh hour, when the full import of the I-am-so-fucking-screwed realisation sets in and end up like this:

Artwork: Kisaragi Hirotaka's Brother X Brother

I so fucking hate studying for exams. Rather go back to work anytime. Sigggghhhhhhhh.

Wee for Wii.

Yep, I literally broke the bank for it, but I'm finally a proud albeit nearly bankrupt owner of a nintendo Wii set, which means I'll be having bread and water for the next two months. Seriously. Naturally and understandably, the Significant Other was none too pleased. But thankfully, he does understand and forgive (somewhat) my transgressions even though they probably piss him off no end. ^^

For finger idiots like me who suck at your classical controller kind of console games (ie: PS3, XBox 360, etc), Wii was a refreshing change because it empowers the gamer to execute the moves through a series of hand/arm movements that are instinctively (for me at least) easier to pull off with the desired results. Attempting to twist rebellious joysticks or smashing control pads into submission in order to produce a particular combo failed more often than not, leaving sore thumbs, chapped skin and a healthy string of curses.

The 'exercise while gaming' bit, just a convenient side benefit though it remains a useful excuse for explaining away the sizeable sum spent on the wii. The packaged Wii sports, especially tennis, does make one work up a sweat after a while as one swings, punches and bats one's way through the various matches. You also get your 'Wii age' ascertained through a series of tests that aim to determine your reflex actions and accuracy, I was deemed to be a dismal 69 years after the first round. I blame it on the controls.

Anyhow, the major fun factor thus far have been provided by the other games, specifically the fantastic Naruto: Clash of the Ninja Revolution. Bleach is rather enjoyable too, the graphics are good and you can play up to 32 characters from the anime after having unlocked all of them. The story however differs from the anime and because the gameplay involves a lot of hacking/slashing and thrusting with the Wii remote, your arm feels like its going to drop off after 15 -30 mins.

Naruto however is a real blast, it follows the anime religiously and the gameplay while involving more use of the buttons, is more instinctive and certainly easier on the arms than Bleach. You start out with 8 playable characters and unlock the remaining 12 by completing missions with different characters which in turn unlock more missions and new characters. The moves are relatively easy to execute once you get the hang of it and you get to execute the signature jutsu by the various characters, Chidori by Kakashi, Shikamaru's Shadow Bind Technique, Gaara's Desert Coffin, etc by shaking the remote and nunchak as displayed onscreen.

My personal favourite remains Orochimaru, fast with the ability to execute flashy combos with normal moves that land the most hits, his snake sword jutsu is both deadly with a sick range that allows him to impale opponents to devastating effect. Itachi is a little overpowered, probably the fastest character in the game, he is able to disappear and ambush with startling alacrity and his dreaded Mangekyo Sharingan ability, Tsukuyomi eliminates up to 65% of an opponent's life, only less than Naruto's very flashy Rasengan which does up to 75% damage but requires Naruto to have 40% life or less.

The cheapest character by far has to be Temari, the wind bitch. Unparalleled at range, she does a nasty knockup at close range and her special jutsu is unblockable. She remains the only character I obtained Hokage rank with after completing the mission arc on normal difficulty. Anthony came over the other day and we were playing vs the comp which while incredibly entertaining, gets very messy when you have 4 characters flying about all over the screen but it introduces a dynamic aspect not found in your usual 1 vs 1 game, such as deciding whether to do a tag team on a particular character first.

And of course free for alls in 4 way fights between Anthony, Kevin, me and one Hard computer are orgies of combos, yelps and special jutsus that don't always hit their intended target. Usually we team up against the computer first, trying to shake off the rabid dog while taking as little damage as possible then ganging up on whoever has the most life left before slugging it out. I must say Naruto has been one of the more enjoyable console games I've played so far, the Shippuuden version which allows players to play up to 64 characters (*swoon*) should be out next year hopefully. I can hardly wait.

For now though, the dreaded exams are looming and it's time to start mugging. Really Really soon.