Monday, September 21, 2009

Edina & Patsy in Court- Mitigation Plea, Ab Fab style.

I've always loved Absolutely Fabulous, satirical, irreverent and a whole load of fun. The episode where Patsy (Joanna Lumley) and Edina (Jennifer Saunders) end up in Court after an afternoon drink driving- road rage cum shoplifting expedition to the supermarket is especially hilarious.

Now I can only imagine the outcome if the accused (or his/her solicitor) makes a mitigation plea like Edina's. Even though I suspect it is how most ordinary peeps view the law. haha.

"I was trying to take control of my life you know..

Only to find that actually it is already controlled for me! By petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper!!!

Ignorant petty rules and laws that obstruct every little tiny bit of action until you find that you’ve committed a crime without even knowing it!!!!!

I mean you know. Why can’t life just be a made little bit easier for everybody? Huh?!"

And when that's rejected (Is there a point to all this?), you can rely on one of the two certain things in life.

"Yes! Yes.

Why, oh why do we pay taxes!! Hmmm?

I mean just to have bloody parking restrictions and buggery ugly traffic wardens and bollocky pedestrian bloody crossings!"

But the last part takes the cake, for if all else fails propose the kind of legislation you want.

"I mean why not just have a stupidity tax! Just tax the stupid people!!! "

Yep, just tax the stupid people!! haha

Monday, September 14, 2009

When a Bunny & Pussy meet...

Although the title may conjure up bizarre images of walking vaginas, distressing bestiality and/or raunchy sexual acts only found on porn sites more focused on smut than grammar, I can assure you this entry is about none of the above. It's exactly as the title states, what happens when a bunny meets a pussy? The bunny thumps the pussy. Now what on earth were you sick fucks thinking?

Getting off the cab and fumbling for my keys, I was about to shoo away the two ginger-cream coloured pussies stalking outside the gate when I realised the fat pussy was actually a fluffy bunny of the same colour. The pussy was eyeing the oblivious bunny, slinking all around the bunny which merrily continued nibbling the grass patch.

Worried that the pussy would maul that poor little furry bunny, I tried to startle the two to no avail. The pussy was too intent on stalking the bunny and the bunny was equally indifferent. This concern proved to be unfounded. Poor pussy couldn't figure out whether the bunny was a mutated rat of sorts and was often startled into flight by the bunny's sudden hops.

Bewildered by this large furry hopping rat, the pussy stalked off to one corner to continue its observation. The bunny as you can obviously see couldn't care less.

Soon the pussy finally stopped being so much of a pussy and decided to stalk the bunny, circling an entire round before approaching once again from the back. Midway through its catwalk, the bunny made a sudden scampering turn which startled the pussy..again.

The bunny soon got bored of staring down the boring pussy and returned its attention to the succulent blades of grass and moss before it. Emboldened, the pussy plucked up enough courage and slinked right up to the nonchalant bunny. Whereupon the pussy sniffed the bunny's butt. Or at least the pussy looked like it was doing so which was a bit hard to tell because its nose was burrowed somewhere under the bunny's tail. Whereupon the pussy was rewarded with a thump in the face by the bunny. True to its nature, the pussy gave a startled cry and took off, a pale streak fleeing down the street, the only indication of its encounter with a demonic mutated rat.

Leaving the bunny the undisputed champion of the turf.

For all of 2 mins, before I shooed it back to its rightful home, 2 doors up. Moral of the story? Bunnies always own pussies, not vice versa, and in all senses of the word. Haha, couldn't resist.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

09.09.09 (90)

I'm not one for numbers or sequences of numbers for that matter. Geometric Progression was one of the many dreaded topics in the equally dreaded A. Maths back in secondary school.

But even I have to admit 09.09.09, 90 has a very nice ring to it. All '9's and '0's, the first and last single digit integers, a sequence rich in symbolism. A unique sequence for a unique woman. A woman I have always adored and will always adore. An immutable bond cherished for so long which grows more painfully precious with each passing year.

Happy 90th Birthday Mama.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Isn't it Ironic..

Ironic is...

When your entire family gets locked out of the house on a Monday night due to a faulty lock, brand name: 'Faultless';

When you regularly receive luxury magazines encouraging you to live in style but your monthly salary is clearly incommensurate with such a lifestyle;

When you have a 101 packages but dread going for them due to the constant harassment by sales personnel to purchase more packages ;

When a home made roast beef sandwich fills you up more than a S$4.50 nasi padang lunch;

The title of the hit song by Alanis Morissette that I used to blast on my discman back in '96.

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
'Well isn't this nice...'
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out