Primordial feelings

Feelings. Because the basest, unrationalised ones are often truest.

I hate the smell of rain on hot asphalt. The warm dusty musk of wet earth released mingling with the stench of hot tar. The barely perceptible little oodles of steam that rise as the rain slaps the pockmarked road. A noxious assault on the senses.

I detest cowards who lie because they have no sense of self. Liars who lie as if breathing and for whom deception is a way of life. Words rendered meaningless by virtue of the fact that the liar neither means what he says nor speaks the truth at all. The only thing worse than a liar is a stupid liar.

I abhor the way you cry. Your crumpled face, noh like mask with rivulets of tears as you wring your hands and weep. Reeking of sweat and the stench of your breath. The way you seek to justify the unjustifiable, your horrendous volatility, the madness that vacillates from simpering unsought for servitude to acrimonious accusations and unfettered drama. So weak, so self-serving, so delusional. So fucking you.

I like the feel of soft satin. The silky smooth caress of light sheets on the bed. To snuggle under the covers as the storm rages outside. The crashing thunder and snaking tongues of lightning, accompaniment to the din of the falling rain. A lulling symphony of sorts.

I appreciate my friends. The warmth, concern, camaraderie and support. The company of friends and the shared experiences, the joys of interaction and sharing the burdens of problems a source of strength and pride. Poor is the man without friends.

I love the simple things in life and its little comforts. The hedonistic allure of carnal comforts, good food, quite a bit of self pampering. The thrill from a sudden but highly satisfactory purchase. Abstinence is unnecessary deprivation. Desire tempered by moderation but always present.

I lust for the warmth of another guy's embrace. The intimacy afforded from curling up beside another, hot, hard and lean. Passionate kisses and frenzied foreplay. Skin on skin, entwined in sweaty embrace till the climatic finish.

Sometimes, I long for the company of another man. Compatible, communicative and one I'm comfortable with. To love, hold and fuck ( not necessarily in that order) Someone I'd not regret or dread at the end of the day. Now is that so hard...?

Fast forward

Looking back at the most recent posts, I realized that they've largely either been the depressive emo kind or invariably start off along the lines of "I haven't blogged for so long but here's what's happened so far". The emo depressive posts, on hindsight, are a little too emo for my liking; painting the picture of an emotionally challenged individual beset by many unhappy issues. Though that was how I truly felt then. And it was just many problems caused by a single individual. Who is no longer in a position to give any more problems or make my life miserable. Amazing how the simplest and most efficient solution can sometimes be the hardest to make. Even if it's there, screaming at you in the face.

Sometimes you scream back in the hope that it'll shut up when really the solution (so,sometimes and after due consideration) is to embrace it. Treating the problems often work though if it's something more pervasive and entrenched, removing the tumor is the only solution. But I digress. No qualms about using the same old phrase for the simple reason that it's true. A little uncreative perhaps but no one dies from a lack of original prose. From boredom perhaps. But I doubt reading the same line for three consecutive posts is going to send anyone into cardiac arrest. And thus I begin

I havent blogged for a while, for which i make no apologies, and yes loads has happened since. Dirty men getting dirtier, the rise and fall of a tumultuous relationship, forging of greater bonds with friends(some people have a rubber definition of such, and they are usually the saddest sort of sods around), some very unwanted drama and the contrast between friends who are there for you and "friends" who are volatile and seem to think the only way to get your attention is to make your life miserable.

If anything these past few months have reiterated the deeply held notion that talk is cheap if not backed up by sincerity and the basic tenet of honesty. Incidental to this was the mild sense of disbelief that the notion that something should never be said and once said, the necessary consequences must be paid, was alien to some. Just as baffling if not more so was the discovery that for some lying was Not meant to simply deceive but a necessary activity to 'allay and comfort' others while hopefully magically resolving all problems. You know you have a serious serious problem when the other half has no problems lying through his/her teeth because he genuinely thinks that's the best for you and the relationship. Bullocks.

Which kind of reminds me of that oldies song with the refrain that goes "..tell me lies tell me sweet little lies baby baby tell me lies.." Anyone in his/her right frame of mind who wants to be lied to should be sent to the asylum. I can understand the classic " do I look fat in this?" dilemma. But anything else is clearly unacceptable. At the end of the day, I've come to realize that it is ESSENTIAL that you be on the same page with your partner on the fundamental issues which to me includes trust and honesty. It may not be SUFFICIENT to keep a relationship going but it is essential. A splendid house built on sand collapses sooner or later. And I wish I could say ours was splendid. It was great at the good times, a semi-d at serangoon gardens perhaps. Certainly not a nassim road mansion. But that's life and the experiences are not something I regret. As David often stoically puts it, cest la vie.

Enjoying life with friends and doing the things I've always enjoyed is a refreshing change and I would say I've been able to move on relatively quickly. Even chatting with an affable dude I'd lost touch with since last year but taking things slow. The goal may be the destination but the fun's all in the journey:)

In other news been ktving quite a fair bit thanks to you know who you peeps are(hugggz) and trying ( but failing haha) to brush up on my Chinese for the cheena songs in the process. Current FOTM( flavor of the month:)) include songs by the hottie Andy hui and Faye Wong :) Haven't neglected the English hits though, current favorite on repeat on the playlist is raunchy Rihanna's S&M. Fantastic MTV to boot haha Rihanna is my goddess...right after Gaga :)



"I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it. Sex in the air, I dont care I like the smell of it. Stick and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me. " ;)

And no I'm not into S&M but I loveeee this song!
Nananana come on!;)