Noisy Fucker.

No this isn't an epithet (tho it may be under other circumstances) or a bitch fest rant against some imbecile. Rather, it's one of those random thoughts that come to mind unbidden while doing random things like checking the status of the remaining auctions on eBay or taking a leak. Toilet intellect at its finest. It isn't rocket science but it sure as hell is entertaining.

I'm literally talking about noisy.. fuckers. You know the ones who make lots of noise when they fuck. We all know sex is (supposed to be) an enjoyable affair. That, along with the feeling of intimacy one derives from fucking (hopefully someone special) are about the main reasons why people fuck when pro-creating is the last thing on their mind. Alright, sometimes sex is abysmal. That can't be helped, some people just have to suck. Luck of the draw.

So yes I guess one of the corollaries about sex being enjoyable is that the participants (ie: the fuckers) usually feel a need to express their satisfaction cum pleasure while fucking which is done visually (hence the orgasmic look) and orally through various sounds ranging from pants, incoherent grunts, whispered mushy words or porno commentaries.

Which like I said is understandable. After all, no one wants to feel like he's fucking or being fucked by a guy with a dead pan expression and to whom surrendering to ecstatic throes of passion entails measured grunts. There's a word for people who dig sex like that and that's called necrophilia. Though I can hardly imagine what sex with a zombie would be like or called. The concept already sounding like a grotesque cross between a b grade 'Dawn of the dead' like horror film and a cheap porno flick where the director ran out of ideas.

So yes, I guess some noise (of the correct sort) is desirable in the man who fucks you. What I find an absolute turn off are noisy fuckers who engage in porno spiel, the kind you'd find in cheesy porn flicks with plots less substantial than the skimpy thongs the male AV stars wear. Stuff like "Want that big XXXX [prized part of the human anatomy] in your [add description] hot hole?" "Yeah I know you want it baby, [insert desired activity] this big [more anatomy]." You get my drift. The kind of corny conversation/ noise that detracts from the action.

I've always liked my porn without plot, because trust me porn with no plot is better than clutzy porno speak porn. Porn is watched for a purpose, you get off and that's that. If I want plot and wit, I'd catch a movie or sitcom. Porno speak belongs in the realm of the useless afflictions like shrink wrapped plastic and boiled carrots.

I can never understand guys/fuckers (in all senses of the word haha) who engage in porno speak during foreplay, much less when fucking. It's noisy, an utter turn off and an apt portrayal of a vapid mind. I don't need any stimulation that can't be provided physically with the mouth, hands and glorious cock all working in tandem to an explosive crescendo. Sex is hardly intellectual and even if intellectual stimulation during sex was the order of the day (which it will never be), I'd rather write sonnets or compose poems while fucking/being fucked.

So really, if you're one of those clueless fuckers who engages in porno speak while fucking with the mistaken notion that your vacuous commentaries about stuffing various parts of anatomy into other parts of the human body is sending your partner into seventh heaven; do the hapless fuckee a favour. Shut up and fuck. Because that's really what he/she wants you to do. And he'll love you all the more for it.