Of Hypocrisy & Lies.

Looking back and revisiting previous entries is like stepping back in time. Into that particular moment of time where the subject matter on hand, your frame of mind and even the emotions evoked suddenly become manifestly clear. As fresh and vivid as if it were just yesterday.

By chance, I'd stumbled upon one of the old entries I'd written on the defunct Diary-X almost 5 years ago, one of the few I'd archived and transferred to the ex blog shortly before Diary-X crashed. Written shortly after a shocking and singularly unpleasant disclosure from a close friend about another, the entry was a seething cauldron of angst, rage, bewilderment, disappointment and frustration. An entry that could be summed up in 2 perennial tragic ejaculations oft uttered across the eons by the betrayed: 'Why?" and 'How could you!?'

For the shock of a betrayal by a person you counted close enough to you to guard your back and whose back you'd always been guarding is most brutally felt is it not? Less fatal is the frontal evisceration by an enemy than the unexpected stab in the back by a trusted friend. Especially if the betrayal has been extensive and systematic, undermining all that you thought the relationship stood for. For trust that was so freely given once destroyed, is incredibly difficult to reestablish.

I contemplated republishing the entire entry in full. To let you, my dear reader, catch perhaps a glimpse of what it was that I felt then. But I decided against it. True enough, the fevered cry of disbelief, anger, disappointment and frustration burn through but what point would it serve to make? Other than as a signpost marking the date from which the inevitable change in the dynamics of the relationship/ interaction began. And what use would it be to rehash the unchangeable past, to lament the inevitable future?

Lies are a cancerous affliction to any relationship, friend, lover or otherwise. Embark on it and you'll need to keep lying, to support the old lies till the entire interaction, the core of the relationship becomes a tower of cards. One slip and the entire rigmarole collapses. For was it not said? What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

So the relationship and our interaction changed, irrevocably, as it inevitably must when such betrayal comes to light. But yet I did not wish to judge you so, to write you off, on the account of the strength of our relationship, the duration of our friendship. I wished to observe, to assist and with time, to forgive and forget.

But you repaid trust with deceit, loyalty with disdain, sympathy with scorn. Your closest friends you mocked and sneered at. Never to their faces of course. Lies were what you spun and lies were what you clothed yourself with, numerous layers of crushing dross that failed to hide the hideous skeleton beneath. Blinded by your very lies, consumed by your obsession to appear better than all. An impeccable facade or so you believe, a deluded perception that is almost laughable in its paucity of believability. But what else can you expect of a house of cards that has already come crashing down?

A stranger in the guise of a friend. The worst of both worlds. I believed I've mentioned in a fit of pique that 'Pretentious conniving backstabbers warrant less respect than a glistening glob of spitum lying on the filthy market floor.' Former friends and confidantes like the aforesaid deserve even less.

In any case, don't bother analysing this entry. Your hypocrisy sickens me.